My Love Letter to Duke

Dear Duke,

I love you. I love you more than I love my wife some days. Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and it's time for me to express my love for you. I've hidden it for years. My father raised me to like the Carolina Tar Heels. I've never been confident enough to come out, but Duke, my love for you cannot be contained anymore. ​

I love you because you give me a reason to laugh every time I drive down the road and see those soccer moms flaunting that their special little boy is in DukeTIP. You're not fooling anyone. We all know that the purpose of DukeTIP is to make mommy's special little boy feel even more special. It's no secret that these kids would curl up into a ball and cry in a corner at the first whiff of adversity in their adult life. 

I love you because I have gained so much confidence walking around your campus because I knew that I could whoop every single student's ass because they have never lifted a weight a day in their life and would crumble on a construction site within thirty minutes. Maybe ease up on the soy-based products in the dining halls. You are the #1 distributor in the world for soy-boys. At least you're #1 in something. 

I love you because it gives me so much satisfaction that you will never have a bigger name come out of your basketball program than Michael Jordan. Your claim to fame is your basketball program, but you're not out here producing Michael Freaking Jordans. You thought you had us with Zion, but you couldn't even win a national championship with him. 

Lastly, I love you because you have given me so much joy knowing you failed to send your coach of 42 years into retirement with a two-game losing streak against the Tar Heels. You set the tone for Hubert Davis' career. You failed to give the Blue Devils confidence that they could beat the Tar Heels under that nerd Jon Scheyer. 

Whew. That feels good to get off my chest. I'm glad I've come out, finally. It's been too hard. Dad, I'm sorry that you had to figure out this way. I hope you still love me after this. 

Sincerely,
Dawson Haywood